Yesterday

Yesterday, I had a bad day.  Unfortunately, you had to read about it.  I try to keep my self-pitty parties to a minimum.  It's hard for me, just like any other parent, to watch my child go through something that I can do nothing about.  I have no way to help her.  Rylee and Troy, as well as the baby kicking around in my belly, are my children that I love very very much.  I can't imagine my life without them.  I am doing the best that I can to handle what has been thrown at Kris and I.  I was told by a physician that my child is "disabled" though not clinically diagnosed, she is disabled by being globally delayed.  She is delayed in every sense of the word.  I said yesterday that I would give anything for her to crawl to me.  The truth is, no one can say for sure if that will happen.  No one can tell me if she will walk or talk or write her name.  That would be hard for any mother.  Any mother being told their child is "disabled" would feel like their world was falling apart just like I do, right now.   I love all children and I love my family.  Other children's progression in life is a double edged sword for me.  All those milestones in a little person's life are big deals.  I completely understand a parent's desire to share the news.  And I care about those accomplishments.  BUT, my child isn't reaching those milestones.  And no one cares about that.   My children and husband are my number 1 reason for getting out of bed everyday.  Right now, other children's accomplishments are more towards the bottom of my list.  I don't know how to process that success of others right now.  I know that had the roles been reversed, each mother reading this would feel the same way that I do.  It's best for me and my sanity to not have that to deal with.  I have enough to worry about and having a constant reminder of how "disabled" my child is sucks.  Yesterday, I wrote a post where I was pissed off at the entire world.  At that moment, I was and this is my blog so I can do that.  I know many children who are/have been excelling and many parents and grandparents who are excited to tell me about it.  I have 5 new babies coming into my life soon and I know that eventually at least one of those babies will surpass Rylee.  One of those 5 babies is my own, who could very well surpass her.  I can't even comprehend at this point in time how I will handle it.  I do know that no matter what, I will not discourage this baby from excelling and progressing at his/her own rate but rather embrace it.  I have put all my blood, sweat and tears into Rylee.  And knowing that 5 babies will soon enter this world already much better off than Rylee is a hard thing to even think about.  It was brought to my attention that I was singled out on Facebook late last night.  Apparently, my feelings are no concern of this person so I am not going to dwell that part.  It pains me that my "poor me" moment lead to that childish act which in return drug far too many people into something that was meant to be nothing.  Kristopher and I are trying hard to handle this everyday stress efficiently and rid our lives of that kind of negativity.   My children are happy and I refuse to have one negative person around them.  I don't deserve malicious acts for posting personal feelings on my personal blog.  In past posts, I have wrote if you don't like what I write on my blog, don't read it.  I am extending that to this post and future posts.  Yesterday, I was stating, again, for the record that I didn't want to know about other children's milestone accomplishments simply for the fact that it drives me crazy knowing that Rylee is that much farther behind her peers.  I definitely could've stated it a different way than "rubbed in my fucking face."   I apologize if any one person felt I wrote that post towards them because that was not my intention at all.  I, again, was having one of those "poor me" moments like everyone has.  Unfortunately, it upset one person which in turn extremely upset Kris and I.  I am not apologizing for what I write on my blog because it's my blog.  I again want to restate my disclaimer that this is my blog and if you, personally, have a problem with something that is written, don't read it.